I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
