he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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