Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this just has baby written all over it
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
