I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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