i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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