they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
