He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
