I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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