she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
