did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
