Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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