it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
And then he peed in my hair
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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