No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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