put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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