....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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