After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
