I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
