Your face is a jimmy john
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
