why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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