that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
