from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
