well I can't set my house on fire every night
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
