I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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