Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart