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just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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