She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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