bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
