There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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