i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
