I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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