you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
