Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
