you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
