saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's shark week go big or go home
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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