and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
