someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need help removing her.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
