i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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