tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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