The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
