I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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