I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
