I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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