hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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