Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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