I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
