I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
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He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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