then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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