so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.