My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes