My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon