After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
