My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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