He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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