I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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