The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Found the puke drawer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize